Ask Dr. Rick

Rick Delaney, Ph.D. is a psychologist who has been trained by foster and adoptive parents. He will share what they have taught him over the past 25 years when it comes to raising kids with serious emotional and behavioral problems. Read his column: Small Feats: The Unsung Accomplishments of Foster and Adoptive Parents.

COMMON MYTHS OF NEW FOSTER PARENTS

by

Richard J. Delaney

No parent has 20-20 vision into the future. And, there’s no crystal ball when it comes to forecasting what foster parenting holds in store for you. Nor, is it really possible to prepare any parent—foster, adoptive, step-, or birth parent—for what lies ahead.

 

One reason for this lack of foresight is survival of the species. We humans take the plunge, make a leap of faith, we reproduce, multiply or otherwise take children into our lives. Life goes on and our species survives! Without a certain myopia and temporary blindness, we might not take that step. As one biological mother told me wryly, “If, at the moment of conception, I had seen in my mind’s eye the good-bad-ugly of life with my child, there would have been NO moment of conception!” Instead of clear vision into the future, most parents enter parenting with certain myths or beliefs about parenthood.

 

 

 

 

Here are six common myths that impact first time foster parents:

1. Love is enough.

Men and women become foster parents to nurture, love and raise children. Theirs is a mission of compassion for children. At first it starts with an abstract idea or thought, and then it becomes more real with each step in the process of becoming a foster parent. I believe that, as good as some foster parent training and preparation is, most parents are going to believe what they believe until they encounter reality. And, a central belief or myth that many cling to is “love is enough”: Love is enough to turn a young life in the right direction. Love is enough to reassure anxious, untrusting children to love others. Love is enough to fix whatever ails the child. However, what many foster families eventually come to realize is that it takes more than love.

2. Today is the first day of the rest of our life together.

There’s an old saying, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” This is a quaint, touching, and sometimes accurate maxim. The optimistic emphasis of this saying underscores the excitement of the present and future. It underscores the idea that we can wipe the slate clean, pick ourselves up and start all over again. Unfortunately, this maxim may be misleading to some extent when applied to foster children. The reason: it underestimates the power of the past, the rip tide of history, which can pull the child and foster family under. It’s important for foster parents to appreciate that there is no way to simply erase the child’s history, good, bad and ugly. The child has memories, scars, relationships, and notions which have been shaped by the powerful force of early experience. For these reasons foster parents need to become experts on the child’s past, so they can understand from whence the child cometh.

3. Children will appreciate what they are given.

One common misconception of new foster parents is that after placement the kids will really appreciate what you’ve given them. I’m not talking about the Christmas toys or birthday gifts or that new set of clothes you bought them. I’m talking about something more important and less tangible. Children in the short run often do not appreciate, let alone understand, your gift of love. Indeed, children may reject the love that you offer. Worse yet, they may blame you for holding them hostage, while they dream about returning home to birth family. Doesn’t seem right, does it? Not that foster parents’ motive for doing what they do is to gain appreciation from children. But, a little wouldn’t hurt. Now, to be fair, I should say that some children show occasional appreciation and some awareness that they are lucky to have you. (If you have teenaged foster children, however, don’t expect a great deal of appreciation until they are in their mid-twenties!)

4. Children are too young to be disturbed.

There’s a common misconception out there that it takes a life time to become really disturbed. Most of us have been refining our problems for years! However, it is inaccurate, it’s a myth, to assume that young children come without problems. A three-year-old child placed in your foster home may have survived—barely—thirty six months of neglect, sexual abuse, and physical maltreatment. Prior to that, this child may have been exposed to drugs or alcohol in the womb. By the time they are preschoolers, they may already have formed fairly hardened views about the world and adult caregivers. It’s not unusual, for example, for a child of that age to suffer from eating disorders, temper problems, and an underlying mistrust of parent figures.

5. All children are loveable.

Of course, every child deserves unconditional, boundless love from parents! It’s just that some children seem harder to love than others. In the abstract, it’s easy to say that all children are loveable, but some can be perpetually maddening to parents. It may be that they have certain personality quirks that irk. Or, maybe they frustrate anyone within hearing range. It might even be that they take secret delight in being un-loveable and unloved. Sadly, some children actively sabotage efforts to reach them, to connect with them, and to love them.

6. You need to solve your own problems.

They say that pride cometh before the fall. Were “they” talking about foster parents? There is a dangerous tendency on the part of many foster parents to feel that they can make it on their own, even when serious problems arise. I think it’s normal for foster parents to flee helping professionals, agencies, and programs that offer assistance. Can you blame them? They—you—would like to advise helpful professionals and others to “stand back” and watch you work. Just let us do our parenting! Well, okay, this might work out for some foster parents, but for those who encounter the more difficult child, rugged individualism (this can-do-on-my-own attitude) may block the help that you need, before things go too far. Part of the problem may be that foster parents feel reluctant to complain or to raise questions for fear that professionals will move the child. One foster father stated, “With caseworkers being spread so thin due to budget cuts, I’m reluctant to call and bother them.”

Suggestions

If you are planning on becoming a foster parent, or if you are new to the field, connect with veteran foster parents through support groups or your local foster parent association. Connecting with other foster parents can help you to view your parenting and your child realistically.

 

Dr. Rick Delaney - February 2004