Ask Dr. Rick

Rick Delaney, Ph.D. is a psychologist who has been trained by foster and adoptive parents. He will share what they have taught him over the past 25 years when it comes to raising kids with serious emotional and behavioral problems. Read his column: Small Feats: The Unsung Accomplishments of Foster and Adoptive Parents.

THE IMPACT ON FAMILIES OF FOSTER CHILDREN WHO ARE INSATIABLY NEEDY

by

Richard J. Delaney

My advice to anyone thinking of becoming a foster parent is: go to the bathroom NOW! You may never get a peaceful moment in the restroom for years to come!

Parenting Needy Children

 

Parenthood is wonderful, huh? Yes, it can be magical, fulfilling, and even stimulating. But, it has its ups and downs like anything else. And, while raising any child can be stressful at times, foster parenting needy children certainly can be draining. Foster parenting of children who have insatiable needs can wear down the best of parents and ultimately destroy the placement, if you’re not on top of it. One foster mother told me, “I should call my foster son, ‘Barnacle Bill,’ since he gloms onto me and won’t ever let go…I don’t know if he’s needy or anxious, fearing that he’ll lose me, if he’d let go for a minute.”

Whether they’re anxious or needy, I guess what I’m saying here is that there are certain foster children who take much more time than others. Some could figuratively suck the life out of you, one breath at a time. God love them, these children are needy and demanding for good reason. Many of them have been sorely neglected by your predecessors, their original parent figures. The result is they feel chronically empty, and take a guess about who they expect to fill the emptiness? One father said, “Even after spending an entire evening with James one-on-one, when I try to peel him off me to send him to bed, he throws a fit.” How exhausting is that? It’s punishing to foster parents when you spend that much time with the child to see it end in tears and temper tantrums.

The stress, wear-and-tear, and drain in the foster home can start out almost in detectably at first. And, later parents are hard-pressed to describe what it is about their child that they find so exhausting or difficult. They can’t pinpoint why they are so weary. When asked what’s wrong, their tired explanation often goes, “It’s not one thing, it’s everything!” The bottom line here is: raising a neglected child often leads to neglecting everyone else in your home.

There is a law that children are neediest when you are busy, preoccupied, in a hurry, sick, tired, in the bathroom and/or on the phone. Many youngsters are exquisitely tuned into any change in parent’s moods and emotional availability. A flashing light goes off if you are somehow engaged in activities that don’t center on them. And, then follows a barrage of demands. Other children only know they need you when they see that someone else needs you first, e.g. if you are giving someone else a hug, they have to butt in. Your attention directed at another family member or even a visitor to your home triggers a feeding frenzy on the part of the needy child.

The Impact Upon Other Children In Your Home

The impact of raising a needy child on other children in your home can be deleterious. When a child’s needs are all-consuming and/or when they demand constant attention, reassurance, and parental time, the rest of the family suffers. I have talked with many biological children of foster parents who are the “invisible” victims of life with the needy child. These youngsters may have initially bought into the notion of fostering with some excitement and esprit de corp. However, if the foster child is difficult, abrasive, naughty, demanding, and hard to interact with, soon the excitement wanes. The biological children have to become experts at patiently waiting their turn for time with mother or father. Does that time ever come? If their turn never arrives, some biological children feel embittered and can develop problems at home and school related to the loss of their parents’ attention.

Suggestions

I have some suggestions for foster parents who are raising very needy children. These ideas may not fit your family, but at least please think about them. As a foster parent, you are a precious resource for needy children.

1. Set aside time for yourselves individually, as a couple and with the nuclear (original) family. Without that you may succumb to the stresses of raising the all-consuming child.

2. Get your rest. Exhaustion can lead to frayed nerves and short temper. It can result in sub-par parenting and feelings that you are not up to one more day with this child.

3. Use approved respite care and try not to feel guilty about it.

4. Keep your goals reasonable with your children. Many of the children have had problems for years; you cannot expect those things to change over night. One thing that runs people ragged is the delusion/belief that we can totally control our children’s behavior. As parents, we may nurture, protect, guide, suggest, advise, reinforce, met out consequences, and warn, but we rarely control. Thus, the belief that we must control everything that the children do can set us up for exhaustion.

5. Put limits on the needy child. If you don’t place some limits on the time they demand, you may burn out. Try “tag team” parenting where the child develops a relationship with both parents. If you are single parenting, get the child a mentor.

6. Seek advice from a therapist who knows foster children. Ask for strategies which might mollify the child’s anxieties and reduce the child’s neediness.

 

Dr. Rick Delaney - February 2004