Ask Dr. Rick

Rick Delaney, Ph.D. is a psychologist who has been trained by foster and adoptive parents. He will share what they have taught him over the past 25 years when it comes to raising kids with serious emotional and behavioral problems. Read his column: Small Feats: The Unsung Accomplishments of Foster and Adoptive Parents.

Living History: How The Child’s Past Is Reenacted In Your Present Home Life

by

Richard J. Delaney

A sage once said: “Those who do not know history are forever condemned to repeat it.” Who knew these words applied to foster care?

Whether you realize it or not, history can be a powerful player in your foster home. Yes indeed, your foster child’s past can have an overpowering impact on your present family life. Maltreatment is a gift that keeps on giving. Although children are rescued from unsafe, abusive homes, their continued safety depends on a thorough understanding of what they’ve been through, how they’ve been affected, and what baggage they bring with them into your home.

Many inexperienced foster and adoptive parents assume that with the placement of the child in their home they begin the first day of the rest of their lives together. That is, that they march arm in arm with the child through the present and on to the future. However, it might be more accurate to say that when a child is placed in a foster home, the family actually takes a trip into the child’s past. And, soon the question arises, are we—as a foster family—moving ahead or slipping backwards? And also, which is stronger the push towards the future or the drag of the past?

History is potent, and knowledge of history is important too, and yet many foster and adoptive children are placed without the foster parents knowing what the children have been through, and how they have been affected. In the worst case scenario, historic facts are either totally unknown or, if known, withheld from the parents. The lack of knowledge of history or its concealment is undoubtedly not in the best interests of the child or the foster family. Sharing thorough history with foster parents is one key to preventing disruptions which can be traumatic to both the child and the family.

Knowing the child’s past:

Here is a short list of what foster parents should know and be told about the child’s history:
The specific history of maltreatment.

A complete medical history including whether the child is HIV positive.

What the child’s routines have been, when are they used to eating, how do they accept going to bed, etc.

The details of behavior and emotional problems.

Whether they have ever previously been a danger to themselves and to others.
The parenting approaches which have succeeded or failed in past placements.

The historic role of the child in his family of origin. That is, was the child a little parent, a sexual partner, a companion to the parent, etc.

The reasons for past failed foster placements.

The types of relationship problems the child has had in the home. Is the child extremely jealous? Does the child resent mother figures? Etc.

The child’s history influences how you parent:

Successful foster parenting grows out of knowledge of the child and the child’s history. Foster parents must modify and provide parenting of their children if the child’s history reveals specific critical problems. Here are some examples of how a child’s history would suggest ultra sensitive parenting:

Since a child who has been sexually abused may misinterpret even normal touch, foster parents would be very gingerly in how, when and where they offer affection to the child.

A child who has been locked in the crawl space of his house as punishment, would not be isolated or timed out in his room by his foster family.

A child who has been physically starved and malnourished might be treated differently at the table or around food issues. Foster parents may need to make special accommodations to reassure the child that food is plentiful and available.

A child who has been sexually active and sexually predatory would not be left alone and unattended with other children.

A child who has made allegations against previous foster fathers would not be cared for alone by the present foster father.

A child who has set fires in the past would not be allowed to roam the neighborhood unsupervised.

Sequestering foster parents:

A common practice in this field is for past foster parents to be sequestered from current foster families. I think the justification commonly given for this is that the child needs a fair, fresh start. If the past foster parent talks to the prospective foster parent, she might offer a negative point of view which would frighten off the new foster parent. However, in keeping foster parents from talking with each other, we may perpetuate problems. The next family remains unaware of critical issues of life in the trenches with the child. They have to re-invent the wheel, and they may inadvertently repeat failures. In my contacts with foster and adoptive parents, I’ve repeatedly asked them: when should we be honest with you about the children and their problems? The answer is universally: right from the start…we’d rather have no surprises.

The “heads up” principle:

The “heads up” principle that I am espousing is this: foster children should be moved into placements with not just full disclosure but more than full disclosure. Specifically, the child should be placed into care not only with documented facts but also with undocumented concerns. In my opinion, if a child has been suspected of perpetrating sexually against other children in a previous placement, the suspicions and concerns should be voiced to the new foster parents for safety’s sake. Again, this is the “heads up” principle: alerting new foster or adoptive parents to the possibilities. We are asking them to keep vigilant, so that the child, other children, and the family remain as safe as possible. I have seen too many families who have been blind-sided due to mostly well-intentioned withholding of undocumented information and of important suspicions. Without that information the foster parents lack critical concerns which might keep the child, other children, and themselves safe.

 

Dr. Rick Delaney - January 2004