The Gender Gap In Foster Care: Why foster fathers and mothers each view and experience their child very differently By Rick Delaney, Ph.D One of the most common occurrences in foster homes is the “gender gap,” e.g. foster fathers and foster mothers experience their foster child in radically different ways. One sees a little angel, the other sees “hell on wheels.” One sees a totally pleasant, obedient child; the other observes a criminal-in-the-making. Why do these stark contrasts occur? Is the foster couple raising the same child? Maybe, maybe not. Most likely, the reason for the “gender gap” is because troubled foster children commonly display different sides of themselves to each parent. If foster parents are unaware of that fact, a serious rift can develop between them. Over time, the rift can become a chasm. The rift or chasm is evident when foster fathers assume that their wives are overly emotional or too strict with the children. For their part, foster mothers peer across the chasm, feeling judged and unsupported by their husbands who have had the wool pulled over their eyes by the child. Without support, foster mothers can feel pretty low down. One depressed foster mother quipped, “Whoever said ‘laughter is the best medicine’ never tried Prosac.” At the risk of stereotyping unfairly, let me list some differences between foster mothers and fathers. See if you agree with some of these observations: Foster Mothers Overall, foster mothers endure more problems, negativity, and defiance from their children than their husbands do. Across the board, foster children carry with them a boatload of “mother issues.” These youngsters come freighted with love-hate feelings towards mother figures. That is, they are angriest at the individual whose love they need most. This anger towards the mother takes its toll on female caregivers. Here are some other musings about foster mothers: • Foster mothers are often Scape-Moms. That is, foster mothers become the scapegoat, the target for the child’s negative feelings. Routinely, foster mothers are blamed and devalued by their children. • Foster mothers inherit the negative feelings that children harbor towards their biological or other past mother figures, who left them or let them down. While the children forgive-and-forget many of the injustices they’ve suffered from their birth mothers, they often freely dump undeserved anger onto their foster mothers. • Foster mothers are the predominant disciplinarians in the home, which tends to invite frustration and anger from the children. • Foster mothers often employ an interactive approach to parenting and discipline, which can inadvertently invite excessive argument from the children. • Foster mothers are generally less intimidating to their children than foster fathers. Foster Fathers: In general foster fathers enjoy a different kind of relationship to their foster children, one fraught with much less stress and animosity. The children seem to engage in fewer power struggles with their foster fathers and do not target them with as much anger. Here’s when a disconnect between husband and wife can occur. Foster fathers unfortunately may become misguided because they see a dramatic change (for the worse) in their wives, who have been targeted by a child’s anger, and these fathers have nothing in their own experience to justify the change. Sadly, they believe their eyes and not their ears. That is, they see how their wife has changed, but they don’t listen to her reasons why. They then conclude that their wife has simply “lost it.” Here are some other observations about foster fathers: • Foster fathers often sit in the cat bird seat, spared personal attacks by the children that their wives endure. Frequently, foster fathers are idealized by their children. • Foster fathers often are around the children less often. The children plainly do not know them as well and thus find them a hazy target of anger. Children also may tune their fathers out less than their mothers. The phrase is “mother deaf,” not “father deaf” for good reason. • Foster fathers don’t discipline as quickly or early in the process. This leaves their wives, more attuned to the storm clouds forming on the horizon, to intervene early and thus absorb the frustration of the disciplined child. • Foster fathers can adopt a playmate role to younger children which allows for a playful, positive exchange with the children. • Foster fathers are less typically the scapegoat. Children have lost fewer father figures so have less stored-up or cumulative anger towards them. Of course, there are many exceptions to the above generalizations. Indeed, sometimes children reserve their anger for their foster fathers and mercifully spare their foster mother. Or, these kids manipulate, reject, or resist their fathers more than their mothers. I should mention additionally that in single parent foster homes, observations parallel to two parent households apply. However, in those situations the splitting occurs between the single parent and outside “idealized” individuals, such as teachers, neighbors, caseworkers, therapists, etc. I might add that in same-sexed couple foster homes, uncannily similar dynamics emerge. Typically, the more disciplinarian member of the couple becomes the target of the children’s anger. Some Suggestions for Foster Parents: If you as foster parents notice wide discrepancies in how you view and relate to your foster child, you may want to take some corrective action. In usual cases it may reduce stress in the home, improve your parenting of the child, and bring you together as a couple. In extreme cases, it may even save the placement—or your marriage. Here are some suggestions for damage control: • Employ a united front. Studies indicate that placements that last are those where the husband is supportive of the wife. • Put the foster father in charge of the lion’s share of discipline for a time. This might allow him to experience a different side to the child and gain an appreciation of his wife’s former role. • Allow the foster mother more enjoyment of the children and less responsibility for management of their misbehavior. (The mere surrendering of her role as “the heavy” in itself should relieve stress.) • Set up respite care and schedule marital “dates” for reconnecting. Don’t spend all your time on the children. Protect the greatest asset the children have: you and your marriage. • Enroll in a foster parent support group. Other foster parents can point out how and why you might be seeing things differently and may provide practical suggestions about closing your “gender gap.” Some Suggestions for Helping Professionals: Mental health professionals are trained to uncover parent pathology in families with troubled children. That is, we investigate the root cause of a child’s problems: a bad marriage, a depressed mother, an alcoholic father, and/or bad parenting. This investigative approach may work well in a lot of situations; however, it doesn’t work well when it comes to foster families, since so many foster children enter foster care already troubled. And, the causes of their problems are past family experiences, not current family life. Mental health professionals need to bear in mind that disturbed children can have a pathological impact on the foster parents and foster family. And, by the time the foster parents enter the counseling office, they may indeed be quite disturbed themselves. But, that disturbance is related to the stress of raising a disturbed child. With this in mind, here are some suggestions for helping professionals: • Fight the urge to blame reflexively the foster parents for their children’s on-going problems. • Keep in mind that foster mothers may come across as more strict, stressed out, and troubled than their spouses. • When we see two foster parents quibbling about their differences regarding their children, consider endorsing the approach of the stricter parent. The thinking here is that the more lenient parent is the one that may have been duped by the child. • Avoid siding with the father (and child) against his wife.