Ask Dr. Rick

Rick Delaney, Ph.D. is a psychologist who has been trained by foster and adoptive parents. He will share what they have taught him over the past 25 years when it comes to raising kids with serious emotional and behavioral problems. Read his column: Small Feats: The Unsung Accomplishments of Foster and Adoptive Parents.

 

The following is the first in a series of exerpts from "Small Feats:..." This book tells it like it is for foster and adoptive parents. PREFACE This book is about accomplishments, heroics, and foster and adoptive parents. In a nutshell, it's about "everyday heroes." While foster and adoptive parents don't often think of themselves as heroes, they indeed are. Foster and adoptive parents rarely brag on themselves or toot their own horn. Most don't have the time and/or inclination. And, that's where this book comes in. It will both brag and toot. Everybody loves a hero--war heroes, sports heroes, political heroes, heroes in the news. With little thought to danger a mother rushes into a burning building to save her children. A soldier, dodging bullets, drags a wounded buddy off the battlefield. The pro quarterback scores a winning touchdown as the game clock runs out. All of these heroes perform the nearly impossible, and we award them with headlines, purple hearts, and million dollar signing bonuses. And then we have the other heroes: the everyday, every-minute-of-every-day, heroes whom I have met over the past twenty years of work with foster and adoptive parents. This book will describe the small feats accomplished by the daily, one-step-at-a-time, cumulative, life-long heroism shown by foster and adoptive parents. I've met these heroes in small towns in the remote West, in the crowded communities of the Big City, and--poor me!--even on the emerald islands of Hawaii. Heroism often starts with the placement of the first foster child or with the finalization of an adoption. Once started it may never end. Heroism becomes a lifestyle. One spry veteran foster mother has been caring for other's children for 58 years! With other foster and adoptive parents it only feels that long! I have written this book both as a tribute to the foster and adoptive parents I have met in the past and as a testament to what they have accomplished. The tribute and testament are important. But, an equally important purpose is to offer encouragement and hope to those who carry on the day-to-day work in the present. Typically, parents are so close to the daily grind, to the hour-by-hour commitment, that they often cannot see where the path leads and how far they've traveled. And, they question: "Are we getting anywhere with these kids? Is there hope? Will they ever get better?" One foster mom confided, "It's comforting to believe that I am a small player in a divine plan. When it appears that we have not reached a child, we don't know what ultimately will come, what God has in mind. And we worry and wonder." With a smile she added, "That's why I call my foster children my 'Wonder Kids', because I wonder if I'll ever reach them." As I began writing this book, I recalled a young couple who came to me, years ago, with their first foster child, another "Wonder Kid" who was a wild-eyed preschooler, hair sticking straight out like straw. The couple said he was "hyper" and attached to no one really and to everyone briefly. This was a first sign to me that this boy would demand very close supervision by his foster parents, especially in public. Within minutes of meeting with me alone in my office the boy climbed--uninvited--onto my lap and asked me to adopt him. I was pondering my answer, when he changed the subject abruptly and asked to go to the bathroom. "Alone! I go alone!" He insisted. After several minutes, water seeping under the bathroom door was the second sign that this young man would demand very close supervision. Speaking with the foster parents later, I saw they were overwhelmed. After living a short time with this small child, they doubted themselves and wondered if they could help him. "He's been abused, neglected, and sexually abused. He's got all the symptoms of an attachment disorder. He's angry, defiant, and yet very appealing," They reported. "The Department apologized for placing him with us on such short notice; but they promised he'd live with us for just a few days....It's been two weeks now and social worker has no other available homes for him." At the end of our meeting I tried to infuse them with a little encouragement, but I really felt I couldn't drum up much hope. This boy really seemed quite troubled and--I rationalized--would not be living long with these parents anyway. Nonetheless, I couldn't shake the feeling that I could've been more supportive. Well, with this book I hope that I can finally offer more support. The support comes mostly through the vehicle of stories of foster and adoptive parents who have encountered children with large problems, the so-called "Wonder Kids." So, I offer their stories as a long overdue attempt at support to any foster or adoptive parent who is now raising (or ever have raised) a "Wonder Kid." Overview of the Book Small Feats has been organized into five chapters. Chapter One takes the reader into the world of foster and adoptive parents. It gives an overall picture of the range of challenges confronted by caregivers. We will hear about children, for example, whose high risk behavior jeopardizes their own safety and/or that of others. We will listen to stories, on the one hand, of children who demand constant attention; and then tales of children who have no idea about how to ask for what they need or want. Chapter Two addresses the language of behavior. It focuses on how behavior problems presented by foster and adoptive children communicate much about how they have survived the past and how their world view has been changed by it. This chapter will underscore how behavior problems may speak volumes about the child's needs, goals, feelings, and inner struggles. Chapter Three zeroes in on the child's history and how it shapes his/her development. In this chapter we delve into how prenatal insults, exposure to abuse and neglect, and multiple foster care placements can harm the child. Discussion will also focus on the historic roles which foster and adoptive children learn when they have come from families of dysfunction. Chapter Four examines how raising troubled foster or adoptive children results in costs--psychological and emotional--to the family. We will hear how taking care of a challenging child can make parents look pretty strange. Important emphasis will be placed upon understanding parental echoes, the unresolved issues each of us live with, and how these echoes resonate in our parenting. Chapter Five recounts the creative, sometimes off-the-wall, parenting approaches which foster and adoptive parents have used to reach their troubled youngsters. Among the approaches discussed, we will hear how a parent channeled the obsession of a young fire-setter; how another family dealt with the child with blue lips; how one foster family came to grips with the teen-ager who smoked in his room, and how an adoptive couple dealt with a youngster who read hate literature. We will end with briefly outlined parenting approaches such as "Parenting By Memo" and use of positive pre-emptive strikes to help children who won't accept good things in their lives. (NOTE: In the interests of safeguarding the privacy and confidentiality of children and families, the cases and examples used herein have been fictionalized and disguised or are psychological composites. Any resemblance to actual, specific individuals or families is due to the fact that trauma and symptoms of foster and adoptive children often form a common, familiar mosaic.)