You have just taken a foster child into your house, she is a beautiful girl, but she looks like she could care less about how she looks. And this one is old enough to know better. Her hair is unwashed, and she is wearing ill-fitting clothes, which also are less than clean. She has stuff written all over her hands and jeans. Her face is not made-up, but not shiny clean either. You look at this poor waif, and determine to give her everything she needs. You buy her what you think are great clothes, suggest she learns to care for her skin and hair and think the miracle will soon take place, but it never does. Maybe you take her to the salon and get her hair done; maybe you purchase make-up for her. But all you do is in vain, since she still cares nothing about her appearance.

You can't figure her out. There are many reasons this careless attitude is the norm for this girl. One of the biggest reasons is rebellion. A kid's job is to rebel against everything a parent believes is important. For some kids the targeted area is cleanliness. Their room constantly looks like a bomb exploded in it and their clothes are never put away and lie on the floor. The bath is a hit and a miss routine which involves making things wet, but not necessarily scrubbing any body parts and you can forget soap and shampoo. This child looks like an unmade bed and you worry how it reflects upon you. You must refocus for a moment. This is not about how to make this child take a bath, but that might be necessary. It is about how to build up their self-image so they want to look clean and attractive.

The second reason I have seen why girls try to look bad is because they are victims of sexual abuse. I had a girl who wore oversized clothes to "hide" her body. The clothes were unflattering, but it helped her feel safe. Anything she could do to blend into the woodwork helped. Looking really bad keeps would be predators at bay or so she thinks.

I know others who wear their hair almost in front of their face to keep others from seeing them. Or wear their make-up almost like a mask to hide their real self from the world's peering eyes.

Another reason is when they have low self-esteem, they do not want to be noticed and feel that they are less than worthy of anyone thinking they are pretty or attractive. They believe they are unimportant and people do not like them. It seems like self-fulfilling prophecy when they start to look really bad and people don't like what they see.

Then we have the girls who dress like those video stars who think they cannot sing a note unless they are half-dressed. These girls do wild things with their hair and make up also. The clothes are too sexy with tops and jeans too tight or tops and skirts too short. They follow every fashion trend that turns a 15 -year- old into a 21- year -old seductress. You know the girls! They are the ones you remove from boy's cars, boy's rooms, boy's clutches.

These girls all have one thing in common. They have very low self-esteem, which translates into a really bad self-image. We need to help these girls. One way to help them is to show them you really like them for who they are not how they look. You should tell them how important it is to look healthy and clean, and discourage the sexual aspect of their appearance. There is a need to help overweight girls dress appropriately and look their best even when they cannot look skinny.

We need to promote healthy bodies by showing girls how important it is to be athletic or at least exercise regularly. Now comes the tough part. We must show this by example. I know, I know. Foster parents are among the busiest folks I know, and now I'm suggesting you do something else, but it is important. When I fostered the whole family took Tai Kwon Do. I'm about the least fit person I know, I'm overweight and I'm very un-athletic, but we did it. The funny thing is it was so good for all of us and fun. You can preach stuff until you are blue in the face, but when you show it, then it means something. If you are not physically able to exercise, try to find someone who is to work out or do a sport with your kids. It is important.

I also know that looking our best is sometimes not easy when you have a house full of challenging, demanding kids, but show by example that cleanliness is important. We may be too busy for make-up and keeping up with the latest styles. A few things to remember:

1. Beauty comes from the inside so help every girl in your care let hers shine through.
2. Build up their self-worth by having them become satisfied with who they are.
3. They always say a smile can improve any face.
4. If your girls want to wear make-up, let them learn how to apply it properly.
5. They need to learn how to fix their hair, co-ordinate colors, and accessorize clothes.

These are skills that will help them feel better about how they look and will build their self-image.

We need girls who have positive female role models to follow. These people they look up to should be happy with how they look or be trying to improve it by becoming healthier. Emphasizing a skinny size will promote eating disorders and the idea that their weight is the most important factor of their personality.

They should become well rounded with equal attention to developing their minds as well as their breasts. They should want to be involved in engaging activities instead of just trying to get engaged. Their goals should be more important than dates and the people in their lives must build them up and make them feel positive about themselves. They need to believe girls can do anything they want and be anyone they wish to be. Help them develop this attitude and soon the changes will be evident.

And as always thanks for fostering.

Jo Ann Wentzel is Senior Editor of:   Parenting Today's Teen

Jo Ann has a new book released on CD-Rom - "It Begins and Ends With Family" For info Click here
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Other articles on Foster Parent Community by Jo Ann Wentzel:

• Reasonable Expectations of Foster Kids
• Don't Forget Gifts Of Toys For Teens
• The Value of Consistency
• Hanging In There For The Long Haul
• Teens Believe They Are Immortal
• Picking Your Battles
• School Violence Due In Part To Intolerance
• Foster Kids Really Are Ours
• Gifts To The Foster Parent
• Help Kids Discover Their Softer Side
• Yippee! Kids Go Back to School, Oh No! Trouble Now Begins
• Caring for A Pregnant Teen
• Learning On The Job
• Did We Know How to Parent Before Labels?

Biography of Jo Ann Wentzel

Between the years of 1966 and 1993, I brought children into life, into my foster home, into court, and into their own apartments. Mother of three, two natural children born to me and one foster kid who never left our family, grandmother to five, foster mom to over 75 kids, and mother, friend, guardian angel, or their worse nightmare, depending on which of the other hundreds of kids you ask.

A quarter of a century devoted to raising children, learning what issues concerned them, volunteering to help groups serving kids, and teaching others what little I know. Life Ready was our own business where we installed kids, who had no other choice, into their own apartment. My husband and I, as para-professionals, also were contracted by counties in Minnesota to supervise kids and work with families to help get foster kids back home.

Before foster care, I was a licensed daycare provider and cared for all ages of children. During foster care, our specialty was teenaged boys and we had a group home where we served up to eight youth at a time. Street kids and gang members were among those we worked with and families ranged from traditional to what in the world. Our kids came from all over Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa, and North Dakota. Volunteer positions were held in Pennsylvania, Texas, and Minnesota.

I have held the position of Guardian-ad-Litem in Goodhue County, a paid not volunteer position. I trained to be a surrogate parent which enables you to sign I.E.Ps for children whose parents can't or won't. I have taken Mediator training for Minnesota court system. With my husband, I presented a seminar at the Minnesota Social Worker's Convention in Minneapolis, spoke at the Federal Medical Center( a prison), and gave several talks to school classrooms.

My book is about the experiences and adventures of a foster parent. It encourages creative parenting and offers useful methods and ideas for everyone raising kids. It features just a few of the many wonderful kids that lived with us.It tells how we ran our home of as many as eight teenaged foster kids at a time. It is written from the viewpoint of the expert, the one who does the job, the hands on provider- the foster parent.This book is currently looking for a publisher and will be available just as soon as we find one.