We expect holidays filled with joy and fun. Our wish is to share Christmas the way it should be with our foster kids. All we want is to feel good about being able to include kids who need the holiday spirit more than anyone. So, what is wrong? Why do these kids look like you've asked them to swallow poison rather than share the sumptuous feast. Why do they look at your gifts to them with disdain? Why do they pull away as you try to bring them closer into you family fold?

The reasons are simple. Number one is the guilt they feel. No doubt, your family celebrates the holidays in ways that are unfamiliar from the usually dysfunctional families most of our kids come from. If your foster kids find your ways of preparing for the holidays appealing, they will feel guilty because it tends to make them look down upon their birth families' celebration.

They may have an actual reason to think badly of their own celebrations as they may have been filled with bad memories. Your foster kid's holidays may have meant out- of- control drinking which led to crisis. This drinking might have been the precursor to arguments and fights, real violence and abuse, possibly sexual abuse. It may have been so stressful that bad language and worse behaviors became associated with what should have been a joyful time of year.

Your foster kids may believe that this is the time when your real feelings for them will be obvious. They could think they might not get any gifts since you don't have to do that. They may feel natural kids in your house will always get much more than they do. This will show your real feelings for them and that no matter what you say; they are not just like your own children. In my house this was not the case, my natural kids got less than they should receive so everyone could be equal.

Some of your foster kids will feel a division in their feelings that they cannot manage. They know they should share the holiday with their natural parents, but may also wish to be with you. They feel like they are disloyal to their own parents and this causes a problem for them. When a child feels divided, he cannot be happy. We always gave them the option to do either or both. They could spend the holidays with our family or their theirs. Some loved having an extra dinner, more gifts etc, but for those who had started to connect this was a heart wrenching decision.

This may also be an uncomfortable time for foster kids since families get more emotional and tend to reveal their warm feelings about each other at this time. The closeness you share with your own children and family members points out the lack of good relationships in the foster kid's natural family. When you are hugging or kissing or just being close offer to share with foster kids in a subtle way. Such as, "hey, there's still room" when you are doing a group family hug. Invite, but do not initiate this until it is certain a child wants it even though you know they need it. I very seldom broke this rule since you never know for sure what a child's past was like and closeness may have very bad connotations for them.

The last thing that may unsettle kids is the fact that a great deal of the celebration focuses on religion and your own beliefs. They may not have come far enough to believe as you do and might feel forced to share these ideas. Leave this area open. I believe it is fine to share your views, but never force them upon kids. If you show by example, your ideas, your religious beliefs will be more evident than when you sit down with the intention of convincing them. Our kids saw us pray for help and guidance, protection, and each other. They saw what we believed without us preaching to them.

Always keep in mind where your kids came from, the types of families they grew up in and the homes they lived in. Put yourself in their place and try to understand that your entire world may be different from theirs. Include them, but understand if they pull away. Keep trying to let them be part of the celebration. In any way you can, make them feel that they are part of your family and meant to share the holidays. There is nothing like signing your Christmas cards and including their names so that the person receiving it knows, the card is from 'your entire family.' If they see a stocking hanging just for them, a name tag with their very own name on the table and presents under the tree for them, it will help them feel they belong there.

It is especially hard for kids who cannot go home for the holidays or have nowhere to go home to. You need to help them feel they are part of your family most of all. So go the extra mile to make kids feel they belong at this time of year. Ignore their foul tempers and distant attitudes. They may be just really hurting inside and need you more than anything to think well of them.

Get them started as early as possible including them in every step of the preparations. Show them the excitement of the holidays, but be patient when their reactions are not what you expect. Inside, they may be in turmoil about what to do and how to act. Just use the love you always give and they will come around. And thanks so much for all the extra care you put into fostering every day.

Jo Ann Wentzel is Senior Editor of:   Parenting Today's Teen

Jo Ann has a new book released on CD-Rom - "It Begins and Ends With Family" For info Click here
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Other articles on Foster Parent Community by Jo Ann Wentzel:

• Reasonable Expectations of Foster Kids
• Don't Forget Gifts Of Toys For Teens
• The Value of Consistency
• Hanging In There For The Long Haul
• Teens Believe They Are Immortal
• Picking Your Battles
• School Violence Due In Part To Intolerance
• Foster Kids Really Are Ours
• Gifts To The Foster Parent
• Help Kids Discover Their Softer Side
• Yippee! Kids Go Back to School, Oh No! Trouble Now Begins
• Caring for A Pregnant Teen
• Learning On The Job
• Did We Know How to Parent Before Labels?

Biography of Jo Ann Wentzel

Between the years of 1966 and 1993, I brought children into life, into my foster home, into court, and into their own apartments. Mother of three, two natural children born to me and one foster kid who never left our family, grandmother to five, foster mom to over 75 kids, and mother, friend, guardian angel, or their worse nightmare, depending on which of the other hundreds of kids you ask.

A quarter of a century devoted to raising children, learning what issues concerned them, volunteering to help groups serving kids, and teaching others what little I know. Life Ready was our own business where we installed kids, who had no other choice, into their own apartment. My husband and I, as para-professionals, also were contracted by counties in Minnesota to supervise kids and work with families to help get foster kids back home.

Before foster care, I was a licensed daycare provider and cared for all ages of children. During foster care, our specialty was teenaged boys and we had a group home where we served up to eight youth at a time. Street kids and gang members were among those we worked with and families ranged from traditional to what in the world. Our kids came from all over Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa, and North Dakota. Volunteer positions were held in Pennsylvania, Texas, and Minnesota.

I have held the position of Guardian-ad-Litem in Goodhue County, a paid not volunteer position. I trained to be a surrogate parent which enables you to sign I.E.Ps for children whose parents can't or won't. I have taken Mediator training for Minnesota court system. With my husband, I presented a seminar at the Minnesota Social Worker's Convention in Minneapolis, spoke at the Federal Medical Center( a prison), and gave several talks to school classrooms.

My book is about the experiences and adventures of a foster parent. It encourages creative parenting and offers useful methods and ideas for everyone raising kids. It features just a few of the many wonderful kids that lived with us.It tells how we ran our home of as many as eight teenaged foster kids at a time. It is written from the viewpoint of the expert, the one who does the job, the hands on provider- the foster parent.This book is currently looking for a publisher and will be available just as soon as we find one.