Stress In The Foster Home
by Emil Baldwin, Jr., LSW
There have been
several studies conducted that indicate that child abuse occurs at a higher
rate in foster homes than in the general population. How could this be
possible? Most foster parents are good people who become involved in the
program because of a genuine desire to help children. Most have had home
studies done to see if they "have what it takes". This information has
been reviewed at least by the person doing the study but often several
people have participated in that final approval decision. And lastly,
most have received at least a basic level of training to help prepare
them for what is to come. So...once again, we have to ask...how in the
world could this ever happen?
One obvious conclusion is that sometimes
the process just doesn't do a good job of evaluating applicants and
people who shouldn't become foster parents are licensed. As one who
evaluates those applicants, I know it can happen for different reasons
and most of the time, there is no one to blame. I have often said to
my colleagues that after the evaluation is done, I wish I could look
the applicants in the eyes and know FOR SURE that this is a potential
abuser or molester. If I could do that..."I would be outta' here in
a minute and would be making millions of dollars a year...because everyone
would want to hire me as a consultant." Unfortunately, for me and the
children of the world, I don't have that skill.
Another major factor that causes this
type of abuse to occur is...the one and only...good old-fashioned...maker
of heart attacks, fist-fights, and food fights...stress. Foster families,
like any other family, are subject to the wear and tear of everyday
life that we call stress.
Some of these components can include:
Financial status...loss of job, reduction of hours worked, reduction
of benefits, your bills go up dramatically, problems with the house,
you win the lottery, etc.
Structure changes in the family...birth, death, marriage, someone
moves in with you, child becomes an adult and "leaves the nest", child
becomes an adult and does NOT "leave the nest", etc.
Health...a family member has a serious health problem, emotional
illness, always tired, sick often, etc.
Relationships...marriage problems, parent-child conflicts, fights
with extended family or neighbors, someone important to you moves
away, problems on the job, you find a new love, etc.
Foster families have to face all of the above...plus:
 The characteristics of the
children...neglected, abused, sexually abused, ADD, ADDHD, FAS, etc.
It would be unusual to find one child in your "average ordinary family"
that had any of these characteristics but one foster family might have
several of these children in the home at the same time.
Number and type of children...the family has more children than
their "approved capacity", have different population groups (mixed
ages-teenagers with small children; different sex, race, etc.), concerns
about accepting a child that really isn't what you wanted ("If I don't
take this kid, will they ever call me again?"), accepting a child
for placement to prove that "you can handle anything", wanting to
take care of all the children of the world, you are "talked into"
doing something that you don't feel comfortable in doing but feel
pressured to do, etc.
THE AGENCY (The Agency causing stress? I know...this one's a shocker)...the
boarding care check is late...again, the medical card doesn't come,
going through training, going through the homestudy process, nobody
returns phone calls, no co-operation, little support, etc.
Lack of support...many of your friends think you're nuts for wanting
to do this, often there is no ongoing recognition for the job you
do, social workers expect you to " have all of the answers" when it
comes to parenting, you are treated as a "second-class citizen" by
professionals, not allowed to join in the decision-making for the
child, don't receive ongoing training, services, or information that
would make "the job" easier etc.
There are many more factors that
could be listed above and although many of those elements might be on
your list, there are many more things that might not be. Each family...each
person...has things in their life that causes stress. Your first task
in learning to make things better is to develop a personalized plan to
minimize the NEGATIVE effects of stress (Yes, Virginia... there are positive
effects). This can be done by going somewhere that you find relaxing and
can concentrate on the task at hand. Take a piece of paper (or a notebook)
with you and try to identify the things (or people) that cause you to
get upset. Write these down and add extra details if there are any. Some
of these details might be: the times that you feel stress (certain days,
at meal times, etc), who is there at the time, and what is going on (doesn't
mind me, arguing, ignoring me, etc.). This in itself can be harder than
you think. Some things will come easily...some will take more thought
and insight to identify. Once you get started, you may wish that you had
brought the notebook instead of a single piece of paper.
If sitting down and formally trying
to come up with a list is too hard for you to do, you might start carrying
a notebook (or diary) with you and write the incidents down when they
occur. Many times we tend to forget or gloss over things that bother
us particularly if we have had an "eventful", busy, day. One extra bonus
you get with this technique is that writing the items down seem to be
therapeutic in itself, particularly if you write down what happened
and how you felt about it. It's almost as if the list making activity
gives you more control over your life and in fact...it does. Another
variation to this technique is to write down the hundreds of things
we do "right" in our lives every day. This can be a very positive "eye-opener"
for those people who claim that they never do anything right or they
never have anything good happen to them.
Another good thing to include with either
of the above activities is to try to monitor your physical condition
and see if your stomach-aches, head-aches, body-aches, muscles tense,
or whatever occurs when you are under stress. Many times these are brought
on or highly influenced by our emotional state of being. Additionally,
these emotions can cause some other symptoms that might not be so obvious...such
as changes in blood sugar, blood pressure, lower resistance to infections,
colds, etc. So...think about your body. If you get tired more easily
when you have to be around someone or do certain tasks, your body may
be trying to tell you something.
There are many techniques to combat
stress and they can be discovered at the library, by surfing the net,
asking for advice from friends and family members, or interacting with
that very large extended (but often dysfunctional) family...the talk
shows. These resources should be added to your beginning inventory but
eventually this list should also become very personal and only include
the things that make YOU relax.
Some of the techniques I find interesting are:
Letting your feelings out by: screaming (by yourself), writing a letter
to someone who irritates you but don't send it, put your feelings on
a tape recorder, or keep a diary.
Try relaxation techniques by meditating, praying, yoga, listening
to music, going somewhere by yourself, or communing with nature.
Exercise by walking (slowly and taking in the scenery), undertaking
a special restoration or cleaning project, sewing, doing crafts, or
"working out"at a gym.
Share yourself by getting a pet, volunteer, doing church work, getting
a job, etc.
Rent several funny movies, do something silly...even if you are
old like me, you still can find humor in life...if you look for it.
A final part of your personal stress
prevention plan is to identify those people around you that can give
you support. This support can be in the form of talking, listening,"hanging
out" with you, giving advice, etc. These people could be family members,
co-workers, other foster parents, social workers, ministers, grocery
clerks, the local court jester or village idiot, etc. Again, the key
is...whomever makes YOU relax or feel better. This list can be a source
of help to you with the day-to-day stress that occurs but also will
be helpful at those times when you are under heavy pressure. At those
times, your thinking might get a little muddled and it would be helpful
to have a resource list of people already available that you can use
for help. And even though a lot of people don't want to get involved
with the mental health profession...it may be necessary. So you may
want to identify resources in the community by talking to others who
have used counselors (or whatever) and have gotten good results.
In case you haven't guessed it by now...I
confess...I used to be a Boy Scout (SURPRISE!). One thing I remember
about scouting (obviously) was the old motto about "being prepared".
For the most part I believe that motto is true. I think that most of
life's situations for us and our children are made better if we know
what to expect and what our options are. However, somewhere along the
way we have come to believe that stress is one of those things that
just happens to us...that we have no control over it...that we have
to suffer our fate, and so on. But I believe that it is possible to
soften it's negative effect on us by being actively involved in shaping
our future. Review the above and try out parts of it, shape it to your
needs and lifestyle, share it with your kids, ask them what they do
to reduce stress (they probably can add a lot of good ideas), and see
if it doesn't help both of you. And last but not least, always remember
two old sayings: If they're not stressed...you're not stressed (and
vice versa) and that "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure".
How true they are!
If you have any questions or comments, send me a note!
emilville@go.to
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