What happens when the hopes and expectations of foster parents - what the child entering their home will be like, and how he or she will respond to their care and fit into their family - do not match their experience? When, despite their most dedicated efforts, the child remains an outsider, distant, resistant, or controlling?

While most foster parents deal surprisingly well with this difficult stress on family life, it is easy to respond negatively. Families may feel a sense of shattered hopes and dreams, with the constant stress threatening existing family bonds. In effect, the child, bound by past negative experiences, has set a negative tone in the foster family as well. The natural frustration, disappointment and hurt experienced by the foster parents can lead to negative parenting responses, which then add to the problem.

By learning to identify and avoid possible negative responses, foster parents can help the child - and even their own family - to grow. This is challenging but crucial, because the child needs all the good that the family can offer. The following negative coping mechanisms can be countered, with clear benefits to child and family.

Ignoring problems. If foster parents cling to unrealistic, rosy views of the child, ignoring obvious problems, they don't see the real child. They don't act to address problem behaviors until they become overwhelming. A better approach is to expect some behavior problems, which naturally reflect the stresses of the child's life, and to provide consistent rules and structure.

Responding with anger. When a child continues negative, confronting behavior, despite the foster family's best efforts, it is natural to feel hurt and angry. If, however, that anger is not acknowledged and addressed in a safe setting (such as a foster parent support group, counseling, or even just keeping a journal), it can become overwhelming. Excessive discipline, unpredictable parenting, and spillover anger into other family relationships can all result. As foster parents, we need to put a priority on taking care of ourselves, as well as the child.

Emotional withdrawal. When the child's anger and alienation tap into the parent's own emotional issues, parents may brace themselves against further hurt by resolving not to care. This coping strategy, unfortunately, can defeat all opportunities for growth and change. Again, the key is finding ways to nurture ourselves, to recognize our sensitivities, and to get positive strokes from our family, friends, and other aspects of our lives.

A split in the family. Often children in care will "split" a foster parenting couple, perceiving one as "the bad one" the other as "the good one." This coping mechanism of the child has little to do with how effective and caring each foster parent actually is, and more to do with anger and hurt related to past parent figures. Yet it can strain a marriage, as the child responds to one parent lovingly and the other with constant anger and criticism. Unless the parents recognize what's happening, each may blame the other. "You never give that kid a break." "Well, you're always spoiling him." The best approach is to understand the problem, join together on shared rules and standards, and make sure the parent branded as "the bad one" has lots of clearly stated support from the other.

Mixed or hidden agendas. If parents have entered fostering for reasons other than the satisfaction of helping and caring for a child, a child's negative behaviors may be that much more upsetting. The parents may, for example, have wanted a playmate for a child by birth, or have hoped to cement a shaky marriage. Or the parents may simply never have examined or agreed upon their real goals. Any such hidden or unclear goals can add to the stress on family life, because it's likely that the child (especially one with negative behaviors) won't fulfill these secret hopes. That's why it's so important to look carefully at our true goals - if possible, before the fostering relationship begins.

Giving up and giving in. If problems continue, parents may just give up on trying to set limits, almost handing over control to the child. "Fine, don't do your homework. Watch TV all day. I don't care anymore." When that kind of thinking begins looming, it's well past time to get some respite and some support.

To help a child make needed changes, it is often first necessary to change ourselves and our responses to that child. We have to become aware of our own contributions to the relationship with a child in care. Destructive parenting responses, left unchecked, can defeat the process of growth. Creative, consistent parenting, however, can turn stresses into opportunities for growth.