"Give me the patience to endure my blessings" was a sign posted above the copier machine at a local place of worship. It strikes me as the perfect mantra for grandparents raising grandkids. When taking over parenting let go of "shoulds and ought to's" and embrace, "whatever works!"

Ask for help. Do what you like to do and delegate, barter or negotiate away the rest. Don't know what's hot in make-up? Schedule a free makeover session for your granddaughter with a cosmetic representative at a major department store. Scouting trips not your thing? Barter with a younger dad, let him supervise overnighters, you sew on badges, fulfill the fundraising requirements or watch his kids some weekend. There's a workaround for almost everything.

Say no. Let go of guilt. You don't have to be a room parent or attend the PTO meetings. If you'd rather help at a soup kitchen or rock drug babies, take the grandkids and do it.

If your adult child ruins holidays by showing up drunk or stoned or is physically abusive tell them they aren't invited for the family celebration. Have a private celebration a week later, or not at all, it's your call.

Lower your standards. Your grandkids need a loving home, not an immaculate house. They respond to caring, concern, enthusiasm and lots of attention, a special jar of treats or a "take what you like" shelf in the garage refrigerator helps! As for your adult friends, turn down the lights and they'll never see the peanut butter on the floor or the fingerprints on the windows.

Turn off the TV. If you wouldn't tolerate what kids see or hear on television from a teacher, their friends, a babysitter or your family then don't tolerate it on TV. If kids do see something inappropriate, discuss it within the parameters of your beliefs and household rules. It's repetitive exposure that does the most damage because it desensitizes emotions and makes the viewed behavior appear normal.

Save time for yourself. In a healthy relationship, whether it's a marriage, friendship or at work, everyone needs togetherness balanced with alone time and space. If your heartbeat is a bubble bath, schedule it and set a time for when you'll be available. If Monday night football turns you on, go for it with a "no talking" or a "bonding night" approach, just make sure your needs get met.

If you have no family, friends or money for paid respite caregivers then call up a local church, Adult and Family Services office, Foster Grandparents Association or other alternative and start tracking down someone who'd love to be a grandparent for a day or weekend.

Don't sweat the big things. I've found that if you keep on top of small details, the molehills won't become mountains. Handle things once, sort the mail (or endless correspondence from school) and toss the junk, pay the bills and write commitments on the calendar. If the car's oil needs changing, call for an appointment when the thought pops into your mind. If it's not important, then figuratively cross it off your "to do" or pending list don't let it pile up in your head like dirty laundry.

Make it fun. Find something funny, fun or at least memorable about whatever you're doing. Remember all the things you said you'd do differently when raising your own kids, do them. It's not everyone who gets a second chance to parent.

The author, Joan Callander, raises her eight-year-old grandson, conducts workshops for state agencies, support groups and grandparents as well as writing FamilyGram a monthly grandparent column for Portland Family magazine.

Available at all bookstores or order online.

Second Time Around walks grandparents through:

• Making the decision to parent
• Getting custody and financial aid
• Successfully working with government agencies
• Overcoming grief, guilt and anger
• Managing visitations
• Helping to heal physical, mental and emotional abuse
• Attitudes, blessings and common sense

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