Allegations
When we first enter the world of foster parenting, we are excited,
enthusiastic, naive, willing and eager to meet the challenges that face
us. We plunge into this endeavor with the expectations of making a better
life for a child, and, sometimes a whole family. How many times throughout
our foster parenting "career" do we hear the phrase "at risk children"?
Do we ever hear "at risk foster parents"? No. If prospective foster
parents knew the perils that lurched inside this crazy world of caring
for abused and neglected children, would many continue the recruitment
process? I wouldn't think so. Still, I wonder why so many foster parents
stay in a field that can turn our world upside down at the whim of one
person. I am talking about erroneous allegations. An allegation of any
nature is devastating and hard to pull one's self back into the mainstream
of everyday life. We are never the same after an accusation -- a little
disappointed, frustrated, confused, embarrassed, hopefully much wiser
and that proverbial wall gets a little higher. Accusations can happen
to any of us at any time. The neighbor doesn't like foster children
living next door to their "perfect" children; thinks it lowers property
value. The foster child who thinks he/she will be sent back to live
with their biological family if they convince the social worker the
foster father has molested them or the foster mother hits them and deprives
them of food. Vulnerability is a foster parent's middle name. We are
always "at risk".
- As foster parents we are held to a higher standard. Fair? No! Our
constitutional rights ensure innocence until proven guilty. Does this
apply to foster parents? Yes! Is it upheld? No! Even with a "unfounded"
allegation, a foster parent can be secretly placed on a "no use" list
and never receive placements again. Mary and Ken (fictitious names),
married 38 years, foster parents 28 years with an exemplary record,
assumed leadership roles, well known and well liked by both foster
parents and the Department of Family Services. They cared for severely
retarded children that no one else wanted. Ken fondled their 13 year
old adopted (former foster) daughter. Father is now completely out
of the home. The daughter admitted her mother had no way of knowing
this happened. The judge ruled in the foster mother's behalf stated
she was not to be held accountable for the actions of the foster father.
Foster mother still lost her license because both names were listed
on it. State refuses to reissue a license in her name only, evoking
a policy requiring a two year waiting period for reapplication when
revocation of license has occurred. Her life was turned asunder. She
had to give up the only life she knew and worked so hard to achieve
her many successes. The agency that entrusted her with hard to place
children for 28 years, while removing children from her home (please
remember the foster father has been legally banned from the home),
treated her with disrespect, lent no support and shared no information
with her. Her name went from Mary to Leper. How many times have we,
as foster parents, seen molested children returned home only to be
molested again? Many, many times! I am in no way condoning Ken's actions.
Since he is no longer in the picture, why can't the foster mother
resume caring for children? A higher standard! I would be disingenuous
if I said I didn't understand the Department's stance. They can and
have been sued by biological parents/childrens' advocates resulting
in awards of millions of dollars when negligence has been proven.
There is no suit of armor to protect us from erroneous allegations.
There are steps we can take to minimize our chances of accusal.
- Familiarize yourself and your family with the state regulations
that govern out-of-home-care in the state in which you reside. Abide
by those rules!
- Get as much information about the child before you accept placement.
- Behavioral problems?
- Emotional problems?
- Medical attention needed?
- How many prior foster homes has he/she been in?
- Has he/she made allegations against previous care takers?
- Ask to speak to the previous foster parent if coming from another
foster home.
- School performance?
- Parental visitation?
- Don't be afraid to say no to a placement that could put you
at risk. Protecting your license ensures care needed to the majority
of children. Overindulging our pride by thinking we can save every
child is of no benefit to anyone and many times results in a serious
allegation.
Examples:
- If you know the child being placed is sexually active/aggressive,
don't take the child if you have children of the opposite sex.
Do not make the mistake of thinking this applies only to teenagers....young
children of both sexes act out sexually too. You especially don't
want to leave a female alone with your husband or teenage son.
- A child with many previous placements could and usually is the
sign of a very difficult child. Ask to speak to the previous placements.
If the worker will not give out their number, say no to the placement.
- Documentation.
- Take a few minutes each day to jot down in a SPIRAL notebook
(one for each child) the events of that day, even if that day
is the exact replica of the day before. The reason a spiral notebook
is important is because the pages cannot be torn out without destroying
the sequence of events. Jot down any change in behavior before
and after a visit from a relative or social worker. Don't use
your computer -- changes are too easy.
- All appointments involving that child, i.e. doctor, I.E.P.,
social worker visit, parent visits.
- Medical records
- Have a visitors sign-in sheet. Many times a biological parent
will claim a foster parent won't let them visit their child. A
dated list with their signature on it would have to be believed!!
- Pictures - a Polaroid camera is a great investment. If you have
a child that visits mom and dad on weekends, you may want to take
a before and after picture (date).
- Common Sense. A foster mother left her small children locked in
the car for "just a few minutes" to pay a bill. When she came out
of the store, her car was surrounded by police breaking her car window
to free the frightened, but unharmed, children. A foster parent who
does not use appropriate judgment could lose their license, their
foster children and also face criminal charges. And what does it do
to these children to be uprooted from a familiar environment and placed
in yet another new foster home?! A foster child shouldn't have to
pay for a foster parents lack of common sense or error in judgment.
- Know your child's social worker well and let them know you. In small
towns that shouldn't be a problem. In big cities it might take more
of an effort.
- Have written house rules with copies to each new placement and each
child's social worker. If there is to be a conflict with house rules,
better to know about it before the child is left in your care than
to let it escalate into an allegation.
- Networking & support groups. Foster parent associations are excellent
vehicles for disseminating information. If you don't have one in your
area -- start one.
Being accused of wrong doing is an occupational hazard. If you are
ever accused of an allegation, be it erroneous or true, get support
and help from someone you trust. Keep conversation among only vested
parties. Remember "Lose lips, sink ships". The same holds true if you
are a confidant.
It is difficult to stay in a system that fails to support it's key
players against allegations, especially when those allegations can tear
apart families. Innocent foster fathers and their young children have
been removed from their homes due to claims of child molest. In order
to protect their license, they are required to stay away from their
homes until they are cleared. They also run the risk of criminal prosecution.
It is of this writers opinion that we can minimize those risks, however,
we must protect and serve our families first. When we can do that and
extend our hands, our homes, our families to less fortunate children
and their families, then we are truly blessed.
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